I apologize for the following rant, delivered in such a disjointed manner, so disorganized and unclear. Its purpose is less to inform about particular events, and more to reflect upon my current state of mind and emotions.
October 8, 2013 marked the passing of an era: with a brief email, my life was derailed and launched towards the mountains.
Until then, and upon retroactive analysis, I had been making some crass, yet naive, mistakes. It all came from my desire to love and be loved, to set myself free from the shackles of fear, to lead a life true to myself. Perhaps the mistake was in not paying close attention to what MY SELF is.
I spent a long time surrendering my wishes to those of others. Most of the times, specially in more recent years, I did this subconsciously, convincing myself that their wishes were my own, adopting them blindly, giving myself abundant reasons to hold to their points of view.
Mostly, and this is probably the mistake from which all others spawned, I tried to become a predominantly logical and practical person…
I, who was born with a strong tendency towards emotion, tears, laughter, and romantic notions.
I attempted to vanquish my abandonment issues by destroying all illusions of permanence and possession. I vied to make my heart stronger by putting it through the wringer. I put myself out there time and again, holding onto the battering ram that was pummeling me into the ground, throwing myself down the rabbit hole with no regard for my own safety or sanity.
I was loved, I know. But I was also used and abused. They tried to break me and submit me. They expected so much from me, and I gave all I could give and more. I was drained. No wonder I got to my new home feeling exhausted. I left a lot behind. I wept. I got sick. Then I recovered.
I began exploring my new home, and I learned: “Love this city, and the city will love you back.” I needed to trust this. This was mine. My own city, my own home, my own life. I was finally going to confirm who MY SELF was.
And MY SELF is emotional, no matter how strong I am. And yes, I have romantic notions about … stuff … even if I have to de-program my default response, which has been to berate myself for being so mushy. And yes, I do want to get married, even if I could recognize and understand opposing points of view. And in spite of my staunch and vocal advocacy against procreation… Well, you’d have to know my intimate personal history to understand what can only be misconstrued as a flip-flop by casual acquaintances.
Many other elements of my being have resurfaced after years of stifling and repressing them (for no reason whatsoever, really). This place is haunted in a certain way I cannot explain, and the way it’s affected me is that it has put me more in contact with the divinity within. I may not be retaking that spiritual path where I left off more than ten years ago, but I’m rediscovering the heartfelt beliefs that led me there.
I had no expectations when I came here. This place and its people definitely took me by surprise.
Most of all, he did.
No, I wasn’t expecting to meet anyone new here (not for a long while anyway). Much less was I expecting to fall in love. Not so soon. Not so fast. Not so beautifully. And no, I wasn’t expecting the predominant feeling in a new relationship to be certainty. No fear, no falling down the precarious void of not knowing what the future may bring.
I may not have full control of my future, but I cannot deny the crystal clear message the universe has sent to me. Trust it, love it, and it will love you back.
It’s a new way of life. I may be “falling”, but my eyes and wings are open, and I am not alone.